spreading the sky

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Lonely Loving

The world was full of lonely creatures. The problem was that they each chose to be lonely with someone else.
- Rosario Cruz Lucero

Once again, the affairs of the House of Venus are not going well for me. There are so many nameless faces and faceless names that drift in and out of my life, and yet none of them ever materialize. As Milan Kundera would put it, they all suffer from the unbearable lightness of being; they have no gravitas. This is frustrating because they are all in front of me, and yet they are hallowed out shells of that which I look for. It is like eating bread that does not appease my hunger, or drinking water that does not quench my thirst. What I seek is real bread and real water, correction, I seek and entire banquet.

Looking for love in the wrong places never did anybody any good. But I cannot help but search for that perfect sunset moment when the philharmonic orchestra suddenly errupts from the silence of the background. I feel that I thrive of instances such as these. I draw the stuff of life from them. This is because I am a lover, a metaphysical, existentialist and poetic lover. I believe in in such trifle things like true love, and romance, and first kisses by the light of the moon. I believe in butterflies in the stomach, and the melting sensation in the knees, and vision that sudenly shifts to slow motion whenever the beloved passes by. I am a hopeless romantic, and this may be my problem.

Right now that I do not have a person to share these moments with, I cannot help but feel weak and sapped of energy. I have so much to give, and yet no one to give to. My manghuhula told me that my life is not really that bad. There is a lot to smile about such as my grades, my family, my friends and my writing. True, but I just can't seem to take my focus away from my barren love life. As I said, I thrive on these things; I live for loving. And now, I just feel lonely.


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